This past Friday marked the end of my first semester of teaching, and it came with some mixed feelings.
Pride was one of them. I can not believe that I made it through four months of teaching. To me this is huge, because to be honest with you, I kinda hate teaching. Teaching is a calling, and boy is it NOT calling my name. Some days it seemed like October would never get here. I feel accomplished to have made it through four months when some could not do it. I feel accomplished to have had what I consider to be minimal breakdowns, and to have only lost my temper with a class a couple of times (if you actually know me you know that that was a feat all on its own). There is also some pride in knowing that even if I don't necessarily enjoy teaching, I do my best. Knowing English is a HUGE plus for anyone joining the Thai workforce these days, and in a growing number of job fields it is a requirement. That makes it so much more important for me to do a good job, because these kids do not have access to another English teacher. I am stationed in a very rural area of Thailand, and most of my kid's parents are farmers or miners. They don't have a lot of money, and neither do the schools. My schools are so poor and have such a small student body that the Thai government will not give them funds for an English teacher. That's where TTC and I come in. The mine (where I live) pays mine and the other TTC teachers stationed here a stipend and provides us with a place to live so that the surrounding schools can have English teachers. So, I am proud that I could come here and provide my students with a skill that may help them go further in their futures. Worry was another feeling that has hit me. What if I haven't done a good enough job? What if, even though I know I tried my best, I have still failed my students? The feeling of not being good at my job has been a tough one to deal with. I have always tried my absolute best at what ever job I have. I have been a sales associate, a waitress, and a barista (along with odd jobs here and there) and I have never been bad at my job. Sure, I've definitely had my mess ups, but nothing compares to having a lesson plan be an absolute flop. In my lesson plans I try to incorporate aspects for all the different kinds of learners, but it doesn't always work out well. I tend to focus more on the reading aspect of learning English, because I feel that that is something that most of my students struggle with. I try to pick lessons to teach them the English that they might need to know when on the job, or dealing with native English speakers, but I never (and don't know if I ever will) know what is getting through to them. Sometimes my lessons are too easy, and we finish them in 30 minutes. Sometimes my lessons are too hard, and students get discouraged or time runs out. Finding a balance and learning how to make a good lesson plan has been its own struggle. I also worry that I am not doing enough to get through to those kids who seem not to care. I try to make sure everyone is doing their work, and not copying (which is a HUGE problem here) but I have seen some pretty creative ways of getting around it. I recently had one student jump out of my second story window because I was standing at the door taking up papers. Students like that make teaching harder for me, because I feel like there is something else I should be doing since they would never act that way with their Thai teachers (it also doesn't help that Thai students can not fail. At all. Ever. Its a government rule). I don't know, maybe it is because I don't hit them with the bamboo sticks, but it is still discouraging for me. I feel as though I am failing them. The students who I can see doing their work, paying attention in class, and trying to speak English and have conversations with me make it all worth it though. When I have a student come up to me while I have a free period and ask me, in English, "Teacher what are you reading? Do you like it?", I can see a tiny glimmer of hope that I am getting through to at least some of them. Excitement has been the main feeling of the weekend. I am SOOOOO excited for this October break. Myself and five other TTC teachers are traveling to Cambodia, Malaysia and the Thai islands. I have been planning this break pretty much since I arrived in Thailand, and I am beyond excited that it has finally arrived. I've spent this weekend doing laundry and packing, since I will be leaving for Bangkok this Monday to stay until the 8th when we will be flying to Cambodia. I have so many exciting plans, a few of which are checking off a bucket list item by visiting Angkor Wat, a 3 day trip in one of the oldest rainforests in the world, and learning how to scuba dive. This next month is going to be packed with adventure, friends, and new places, and I don't know if I've ever been more excited for anything in my life. So to cap this whole essay off: do I like teaching? No. Do I feel like I'm good at it? No. But will I continue to try and do my best? Yes. Do I feel like I am doing something good and worthwhile? Absolutely. All I can do is hope and pray that what I am doing is getting through to them, and to try and do better in my last semester.
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AuthorGeorgia girl teaching English in Thailand Archives
January 2017
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